2020 Ritual Burial

Tbone, Sparrow, Shiplap, Tortuga, Banks, Jolly, Big Mac, Noodles, Panhandle, Archive, Wet Burrito, Bloomer, Capn’ Crunch, Beaker, Cookies, TBTF, Catniss, Da Vince (Q) materialized for a December 8 ritual burial of the year 2020. Of course we dutifully split into two groups to maintain social distancing protocol.

Warm up: Arm circles and Abe Vagodas in Cadence

Newly invented exercise: Party Burpees (Side Straddle Hop during Party Rock, do a burpee every time you hear “Party Rock,” switch from Side Straddle Hops to Goofballs when you hear “hating is bad”, but keep doing the Burpees at Party Rock).

The Thang: Partner up, break up into two lines. One group runs up the hill, the other runs to the bleacher by the baseball diamond to catch a glimpse of hope for 2021. Meanwhile 2020 is put to rest. Partners perform the following sequence (while other partner runs). If you finish early, help another group finish their reps.

DIG THE GRAVE: 100 grave diggers

SAY YOUR PRAYERS: 200 curls

TEST THE TOMB: 300 derkens

PREPARE TO DIE: 400 LBCs

Conclusion: Lie in corpse pose. Slowly rise to Bittersweet Symphony by the Verve. When beat commences, partners do 20 burpees and 21 burpees to spell 2021.

COT: We are all the way to Theta as we work through the sayings of the desert fathers. This time it’s a mother named Theodora: “As trees do not bear fruit if they do not undergo winter storms and rains, so for us this age is winter. We will not be able to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven other than through many afflictions and temptations.”

Mystical Journey

DBC, Saga, Big Mac, Capn’ Crunch, Archive, Panhandle, TBTF and Da Vinci (Q) showed up for morning ruck club. Gummi Bear, after a solemn HC, was no where to be found. He didn’t even ghost us. Do we matter to him? Does he matter to himself? We laid these questions aside and proceeded with the workout with bruised hearts – bruised by neglect. This callout was uncalled for – Gummi Bear withdrew his HC!

Warm up: Danger Zone! (Side straddle hops during Kenny Loggin’s Danger Zone with squats during the words Danger Zone and merkens during the guitar solo). Batwings.

During stretch the Desert Fathers returned (we’re half way through the Apophthegmata Patrum (using this version).

Isaiah 1: “Abbe Isaiah said, “nothing benefits a beginner as much as an insult. A beginner who is insulted like that and tolerates it is like a tree that is watered each day.:

Theodore of Pherme 13: “There is no virtue like not belittling.”

We contemplated the delicate art of landing jovial insults that don’t actually belittle (as attempted toward Gummi Bear above).

The Thang: Inspired by Banks we did went around the park as follows: RUCK for 3 lights, MOZY for 3 lights, SPRINT for 3 lights (repeat until Hoffa).

At the hill we created the Ladder of Divine Ascent icon: Groups of 2. 1 PAX did a 10 count descending Welsh dragon with ruck (see the PAX-consuming creature in the icon). The other PAX did 10 count descending Jacob’s Ladder (run up hill for 10 merkens, run up for 9, etc.). When the dragons are complete the partners switch.

QUOTE from Pilgrim’s Progress: “So I saw in my dream, that just as Christian came up to the cross, his burden loosed from off his shoulders, and fell from off his back, and began to tumble; and so continued to do till it came to the mouth of the sepulchre, where it fell in, and I saw it no more.”

So inspired we removed our rucks, and proceeded with 5 count descending Welsh Dragons and Jacob’s Ladder.

Merken Mountain up the hill (with 5 bear crawls between).

At the top, a reminder than even in the famous icon upon which this workout is based, Jesus Christ Conquers is written on the back, and the ladder itself symbolizes the 30 years of the life of Christ, meaning our effort is paradoxically not our own effort. “Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing and even on the Mountain, nothing.” -St. John of the Cross, Ascent of Mount Carmel

COT: Prayers for Archive’s parents hoping to see their grandchild, Noodle’s father’s funeral, Capn’ for harmony at work.

Chaser: Theodore of Enaton 3: “If God were to lay to account our lack of attention in prayers and our distractions in Psalm singing, we could not be saved.” The desert fathers struggled in prayer, and so will we.

Purple Pain: The Prince Workout

18 PAX assembled on a downright balmy Midwestern November morning for Purple Pain, with exercises paired for the duration of a Prince classic hit (alternating when the purple pain point is achieved), with a hill run option as desired. My dinky speaker ensured we were well below Wheaton city ordinance for volume.

Purple Rain: Warmorama (Motivators, Imperial Hillbillies OYO, Abe Vigodas OYO, Batwings)

1999: Derkens and Dutch Bazookas

Cream: Dips and Dollys

When Doves Cry: Curls & LBCs

Raspberry Beret: Overhead Press & Outlaws

I Would Die 4 U: Skullcrushers & Scissor Kick

Kiss: Merkens and Mary of your choice

U Got the Look: Rows & Russian Twists

Little Red Corvette: Kettlebell Swings & Smurfjacks (OMMITTED DUE TO TIME)

Let’s Go Crazy: Blockees & Bonnie Blairs

COT: Prayers for patience and peace as we count votes, for Musa (through the #Hopemoves2020 campaign), and for our efforts to combat this virus.

Attenders: Bloomer, Gummy Bear, Shiplap, Sparrow, Wet Burrito, Captain Cruch, TBTW, Noodles, Tortuga, Hotbox, Jolly, Cookies, Panhandle, T-bone, Beaker, Big Mac, Saga, Da Vinci (Q)

Da Vinci’s Dance Party

9 pax materialized on a star-spangled near-freezing morning at the Glen Ellyn Tar Pit AO to experience the first (I hope of many) Da Vinci Dance Parties. The generations were united through a blend of dance hits from the 1990s and 2010s.

Song: Technotronic’s Pump Up the Jam

Warmup: Motivators, Bat wings, Abe Vigodas

Song: M.C. Hammer’s You Can’t Touch This

Exercise: Try to catch fastest runner in a sprint around the track

Dance party commenced by pairing two exercises OYO (each pax can alternate as needed) during the length of the song.

Song: Haddaway’s What is Love

Dollys & Derkins

Song: LMAO’s Party Anthem

BBSU & Blockees

Song: C&C Music Factory’s Gonna Make You Sweat

Curls & LBCs

Song: Imagine Dragon’s Natural

Overhead Press & Outlaws

Song: Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock’s It Takes Two

Skullcrushers & Sweat Angels

Song: Cameo’s Word Up

Merkens & Mary of your choice

Song: Black Eyed Peas’ I’ve Got a Feeling

Burpees & Bonnie Blairs

Song: Gotye’s Somebody I Used to Know

Final run around the track

Prayers and praises abounded, and even if I got a name wrong (which I did), God hears.

The Da Vinci Code is about 10,000

19 PAX (including an FNG) enjoyed a warm spike on October 6th as we achieved 10,000 reps together under the moon between an unusually bright Mars and Venus.

Warmorama: Motivators, Batwings, and then leg stretch as we broke through to Zeta in the Greek alphabet as we make our way through the alphabetized sayings of the Desert Fathers (I’m using this edition but there’s a free PDF version here).

“A brother asked Abba Euprepius about life and he said, ‘Eat hay, wear hay, sleep on hay, and acquire a heart of steel.” Yes, the desert fathers go a good bit overboard, but if you showed up today, sleep is but hay to you.

10 burpees (x20 pax, rounded up for mathematical ease) = 200

Burpee Road (5 stations of 10 burpees) = 1000

Abba Euprepius got robbed and chased down the thieves to offer his staff that they forgot: Lesson is radical generosity.

Baseball BOMBS (home: 20 burpees; 1st base: 30 outlaws; 2nd base: 40 merkens; 3rd base: 50 BBSU; pitcher’s mound: 60 squats) = 4000

Rinse and repeat = 4000 (we were a bit short but we made it up with LBCs)

Total count was (about) 10,000

Our FNG is now Jolly (short for Jolly Good Fellow as he is a fellow in the accounting world). Prayers for schools, for a family struggling with cancer, for baby Archive. We concluded with Abba Zeno’s counsel to pray for one’s enemies with all your heart. That’ll burn more than a thousand burpees.

The Da Vinci Code

Inspired by @Jäzz Händz “good things come in threes,” the @Da Vinci code was revealed on Thursday Shredtember 24th as simply “3” to celebrate the third anniversary week of F3. Workout commenced with 3 count Motivators (which sort of worked) followed by 3 count imperial walkers (which did not work but 2Q @Noodles saved them). During the stretch more desert fathers lore was unfurled (full text downloadable here), with quotes (up through the third letter of the Greek alphabet) dispatched between exercises. We ran the short loop with 3 merkens at each light. Then the Q attempted to light three sparklers, a stunt that was not completed until the double barrel fire pit that night hosted fest that evening chez @Captain Crunch (thanks again to the whole crunch family for the hospitality).


Coupon exercises were clock derkens in 3s, Alpo/rows in 3s (the dud of the set), BBSU/LBC in 3s (a nice burn), chest press dollies in 3s (which improved with simultaneity). We closed with Heartbreak 123. 100 merkens, 200 BBSU, 300 squats with 3 hilltop merkens, and (unlike my first Q) this time we actually finished. COT kicked off with the dying words of Abba Bessarion from I Thessalonians 5:16,17,18:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in all things give thanks.

Easy to rejoice with the company of what @SAGA has dubbed (if I recall the charred poem correctly) these mighty merken men.

Da Vinci’s Challenge

17 PAX showed up for Da Vinci’s VQ. Beautiful morning.

Warmorama: Goofballs x 20, Motivators x 7, Windmills (large & small); leg stretches during speech about Joseph Campbell, George Lucas and the neglected Christian Yodas, a.k.a. the Desert Fathers, whose sayings were interspersed (nice free edition of the sayings in PDF form available here. Though I drew from this book which is alphabetical – today was from Antony).

11s (Burpees and Merkens) around the short loop (stopping at 11 lights). Mary for early finishers.

4 Corners (Coupon Merkens, Curls, Coupon Squats, Shoulder Press). 40/30/20/10. We quit early (starting at 40 was too ambitious). Next time 30/20/10 will work better.

Merken Mountain (Merken then bear crawl to where your hands were for another Merken, make it to the fence). No time for a planned Jacob’s Ladder, but will do it next time.

Ring of Fire (but without Bear Crawls, so wasn’t really a Ring of Fire). 6 guys named Mary exercises.

Circle of Trust: Welcome to FNG, Abraham, a.k.a. DBC (Double Beef n’ Cheddar). Da Vinci dropped the flag with 15 Merken penalty. Prayers for the start of school, and for pushing through with other daily exercises (diligence in work, love of family, neighbor, etc.).

Thanks for showing for my VQ, crew.

Abba Antony said, “I have seen all the snares of the devil spread out on earth and I said with a sigh, ‘Who can pass these by?’ and I heard a voice saying to me, ‘Humble-mindedness.'”